Over the years I have noticed that I have the ability to remember music related information, such as lyrics and melodic content and progressions of pitches. I can tell you how many drum beats in a song without counting them. What a wired natural talent I have.

Good friends, good books, and a sleepy conscience, is this the ideal life?

My conscience is clear. I start to forget all the books that I have read over the years, I have become more realistic than ever. But one thing that bothers me and it haunts me down in a quiet evening when I close my eyes or when I listen to that particular song, it echoes in my heart and flowing with the melody is many days of pain.

Memory of an old friend lost, I never had the courage to talk about it and I wish that I could bury it under my heart. But no matter how much suffering I went through, I could never let go of this one. Memories should warm you up from inside out, shouldn’t they? But why do they try to tear you apart sometimes?

On the 6^th of August, more than ten International Assistance Mission workers were shot down by Taliban in Afghanistan. This devastating and disturbing news was delivered to me by my old comrade Michell, who is now working in Dubai as a security manager. He called me at 8:15 am NZT from London, told me a group of medical team were murdered while providing medical aid to local people in the most remote areas of Afghanistan. One of them was a dear friend of mine, Dr. Karen. Karen was a true hero who not only helped those local people in need, she also trained Afghans medical professionals at the same time. She had always been my mentor and dear friend when I was posted to Afghanistan for the first time.

I remember when I arrived in Kabul to a big sand storm, wind whipping up a desert frenzy and the sky seemed to be so heavy with what I initially thought was fog, but it was actually fine sand particles flowing in the air. We were then shifted to different barracks, and our unit was lucky to have toilet stalls. The showers were in bays of four, with the kind of brick and tiles that are never going to look clean again no matter how much you bleach or scrub them. I did not take a shower for a week, except for occasional visits to medical and dentist barracks which had heaps more facilities and “civilised” human beings. That’s where I met Karen, she seemed to know what I was looking for when she spotted me wandering down the barrack corridor. After introducing myself and a short conversation, she guided me to a much cleaner shower facility only for dentists and doctors. During my two months tour in Afghanistan we had become very good friends.

My father always wanted me to become a doctor as he saw the benefits of being a doctor when he graduated from osteopathic medical school years ago. I have been working for the government for six years now. I have found my comfort zone, and stepping out of this behavioural state is going to be hard for me. But I have made my decision to study health and science next year at University of Auckland, to achieve my father’s wish. I have made too many mistakes and I do not want to be looked at as being a disappointment to my family. I also have a responsibility to accomplish someone’s dream.

Please rest in peace Karen. I will carry on, to complete what you did not finish.

We need to be living in the present! When you are unhappy or feeling down, it’s tempting to think about the past and anything that is unpleasant. The past is something that you cannot do anything about and obsessing over it only further the unhappiness. Try to focus on putting yourself towards what is happening this moment. Do not feel alone because it can cause you to question how strong your relationship is, that is not a good place to go, because you are loved, and there is always a special person to remind you everything is going to be okay!

Please remember my beautiful cat, in the darkest hour of your life. It may seem devastating and unpleasant. But before they start to suffocate you, wipe those tears of bitterness and frustration, and walk away from it. Because I will follow you down through the eye of the terrible storm, my heart will guide you home and lead you to the sunny side of life. My love is strong enough to carry you through anything and anywhere, I will give you courage and happiness to keep going, and never stop believing it.

No ocean too deep, no mountain too high, no road too wide, no man strong enough. For I, will always walk beside you.

You have many happy memories lying ahead of you, waiting for you to claim them.

So many years thinking and from my anecdotal experience, I could never have interest in cooking, but now I cannot get bored of cooking! I must say that cooking is so much fun without recipes, it is like driving without a map. To live unbound and inspired by the newfound freedom, freedom to the world outside the lines and small prints. Trust me the world looks much more beautiful through your own eyes and directions. Driving without a map reminds me of the movie Wild Hogs filmed in 2007; four biker wannabes looking for the real adventure and hit the open road without maps and cell-phones.

PS. My ‘cat’ started the cooking spark in my bonfire heart!

I have been busy over the last few weeks, but I really enjoyed spending time with Kaoru, as a matter of fact I always do. I must say that meeting and knowing her was definitely the best thing that ever happened to me in 2013.

I don’t know if it’s true I feel that pretty much everything in life has good and bad, light and shade.  If meeting Kaoru was the best thing that ever happened to me then forgetting about time, personal goals and aspirations were the worst things that ever happened to me, unexpectedly. Most of the time, I have lots of things to do. Although 24 regular hours a day are not enough and too short for me to accomplish all I have to do to reach my goals, but I sleep often with the fulfilment and satisfactory. Because I know that I am one more step closer to my goals and my dreams everyday. And now, all those feelings are gradually disappearing and replacing with love. I never would have thought that love would come to me this strong, it is like a tornado that happens so fast, it changes everything in my life but once I have experienced it can never forget it!

It’s funny that some of my friends feel like it’s a chore to spend time with their girlfriends! On the contrary, I feel that I am in the peak of happiness and I truly enjoy nothing more than spending time with Kaoru. It really makes me feel that time goes by faster than ever before! I’d rather just turn a blind eye to time and my aspirations, for the time being (Haha, I think I have learnt this particular idiom “for the time being” from Kaoru, she sometime says it. Hehe…but it is not my favourite saying though. Because my direction is clear and there is no doubt in my mind for what I believe. For the time being, it just sounds slightly negative and gloomy to me. )

I keep asking myself, are we rational human beings? Do we follow all forms of logic? Well, believe it or not, Kaoru has completely changed the forms and she changed me from a logical to an emotional person. I now believe love can change everything I know, it makes a heart beating faster than ever. To be honest, I am now suffering from many medical conditions, love caused my electrical impulses in the heart to disrupt, my heart rate exceeds well over the normal range. I have developed Bell’s Palsy, I am extremely happy and I cannot stop smiling in front of her. Perhaps Alzheimer is attacking my heart as well, absent mindedness and inability to focus on tasks at work and home. All these medical conditions I have to carry everyday. But fortunately I am not suffering so much from nymphomania. Phew… luckily!

Ok, I think I have rambled too much about love and my feelings. Let’s sum it up, shall we?

Without the one you love there is nothing else you want. Together, the strength can make hopes and dreams come true. A feeling so breathtakingly strong and gentle, it lifts you up above the ground. All these natural passion comes with four words, the Power of Love.

This may sound a little harsh but I would definitely be locked up in jail four months ago and serving life imprisonment without parole, if love was a crime in this country.

I feel that being deeply loved by someone has given me so much strength in my life, and while loving someone deeply has given me lots of courage and faith. So, a special thanks to my “cat” Kaoru, who has shown me what true love is and what it feels like to be loved. Every time I make love to her, it feels like the first kiss and love and somehow I know this feeling will last forever. For some reason, when she is lying in my arms, I feel our hearts are beating as one and she is the soul in my body. I hope that I can make her smile when others cannot, and make her warm when she is cold. Most of the time it is hard for me to express my feelings to others, but I feel perfectly comfortable talking with my ‘cat’. Without her, my life would be forever Monday morning! Please allow me to say it one more time, I love you Kaoru, my girlfriend and my best friend.

January 2014, what a great time to start writing my first blog.